December 24, 2007


A plan to live

My mom was twenty-three years old when I was conceived.

Twenty-three years later, she has a daughter who is manic-depressive and suicidal.

I was just drinking my venti, toffeenut latte and I had several sticks of menthol left in pack when I realized that my life is going nowhere.

My hands were shaking so bad when the barrista gave me a cup of water to drink, and as I am writing this, my tears are begging to break free.

I always have this deep, dark feeling inside of me that I cannot put my finger on. It's something that makes me feel sad and lonely everytime I am left with my own devices. I often find myself wetting the pillow with my tears when that feeling comes boiling up the surface. A lump would usually form in my throat and my heart feels empty. It would usually be at this point in time wherein I would think of as many things that I can to keep myself from jumping into that dark abyss.

I don't wan to say that this caught me completely by surprise becuase I've been experiencing this for several years now. I thought that by constantly keeping my innerself busy with randomness and shallow happiness, it would eventually go away.

People look at me and would often find things to praise. Either that or the complete opposite.

There's always something about me that people see, but they can't seem to fathom how much deeper my personality goes.

I think it is my fault that people do not trust me.

I haven't lost my barrier--a wall so sturdy and tall, nobody even dared to break it down or scale it. I have never trusted anyone with my feelings, even my family, because I know they'll just shrug it off.

Funny how my emotions find the most opportune time to rage. Christmas is only several hours away and I am here, sulking again.

Can anyone please help me find the reason why I'm feeling this way?







Atleast help me find the courage to end a life that was never really mine.


I feel like I'm a fifteen-minute intermission in a full-length movie. My life probably started way before I was born and this--this thing that I call living is just a messy juxtaposition on a near-perfect scene. My friends and my family have a reason to live, a goal to achieve, and other people to love. Me? I'm just a selfish, self-loving crybaby who can't find herself a nice little nook to fit in.

I'm sniffling. Usually this is a sign that tells me the emotional floodgates are starting to open, and that the rampaging tears of hatred are slowly being released. It's a good thing that I have good control over my emotion--well, every now and then--or else I would be reduced to a quivering, puddle of useless mess.

And I don't think the people manning the booth would be too happy to escort me to a Psychiatrist. Well, that is IF there is a shrink within the immediate viccinity--and I know there isn't. We Filipinos do not have the time, the patience, and the money to listen to another person with a Doctorate in people-reading tell them that they generally screwed up.

We usually let a psychotic episode pass, letting off as a result of hunger or uber drunkenness.

There are so many thing I want to do in my life. Hell, I even want to try them out before I intentionally (or unintentionally) die. I want to prove myself to my family and friends. I want to show them that I am worth every thought, every memory, and every breath that they spend when my face happens to flicker in their minds.

I want this feeling to disappear because underneath the happy-go-lucky, kaladkarin, screw-the-world-and-everyone-in-it exterior, I am as human as anybody else. If anyone would take the time to look into my eyes, they would see the contrast.

I am finding it hard to breathe right now. Maybe because all those years of relying on my menthols have finally caught up with me--or is it because the lump in my throat is suddenly bigger.

It irks me to know what I am never smart enough, never beautiful enough, never rich enough, and never worthy enough to keep people beside or with me. I always fly from one set of friends to another and no one seems to remember me. I don't do anything worth while, I guess. Nothing that would burn even my small image of me in their minds.

My parents love me. I know that much. This is because each parent have the obligation to do so. My siblings love me because I am their flesh and blood. My friends--well, they love me--because, well... because I think I give them a reason to smile every now and then.

No... the world won't be a better place when I'm gone. You know why?


Because I was never a part of it to begin with.


An old blockmate just sent me a message via Y!m. He said Merry Christmas. How charming. He remembered me.


Anyway, I'll be keeping my Y!m open until I get to heaven, or hell, or purgatory, or wherever.

When you need someone to talk to, just gimme a buzz.


And lemme tell you this...


No matter what I say or do the next time we meet (IF we meet again), I will always love you... all of you.



-FIN-


P.S. Don't worry (I highly doubt you are), I won't die anytime soon. I'm just deteriorating slowly.


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.::. Hot Bitches .::.



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.::. Hot Connections .::.



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.::.May 5, 2007.::.

It's been a long time since I posted here. Anyway, there's nothing new in my gallery but there's something I just need to share with you guys.

Visit >> [link]

I love it soooooo much. Tell me what you think of this person's art work.

It just kicks ass.

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.::. Jan. 21, 2006 .::.

Due to the insistence of a dear friend, I decided to finish an artwork. Mind you, the lineart is not mine but it's a coloring contest so I guess that's beside the point. The best technique and concept will win. >_>

I whored that artwork and turned it into a wallpaper as well...

It will be a long time until I update again so Beng, savor in my futile attempts at digital painting, yet again. XD



.::. Oct. 16,2005 .::.

I finally finished my 2nd CG-slash-1st-digital-painting-from-scratch.

I could cry.

As usual, I am not satisfied with it.

...

Kill me now.



.::. Oct. 12, 2005 .::.

Two new submissions and a new desktop screenshot. Coolness~~

I need a good dose of Margarita...



.::. Oct. 1, 2005 .::.

500 pageviews. Arigatou, minna-san!



.::. Sept. 17, 2005 .::.

I had nothing to do the whole day. I ended up making three avatars and one banner for an online community in LJ. I'm not really into that but something tells me, the user there could use more avatars and web banners.

They communities there that deal with this stuff. "Communities". So I was thinking, maybe my small contribution can help stop the usericon/avatar shortage in LJ.

Then again, it depends if they want the crap that I did.

[Kaoru 1], [Kaoru 2], and [Kaoru 3]

Yeah. It's that bad. *shrugs* Like I said, I'm not into avatar and web banner designing. By the way, the model for the avatars is Kaoru Niikura from the band Dir En Grey.

And obviously, they're not made for DA accounts so don't flame me regarding the size.

I also made a "Friends Only" banner that featured Rico Blanco.

[Rico]

I'm starting to like GIF.



.::. Sept. 16, 2005 .::.

I am going crazy over j-rock. Can't have enough of Dir En Grey, Pierrot, Gackt, and L'Arc En Ciel. I still have to listen to Luna Sea, Miyavi, and Alice Nine. The next time you see me, I'll look like the 'dominatrix-goddess-gone-wild-er'. Have you ever seen all the leather, fishnet, and spandex those rockers wear? And oh, I've just dubbed my 3 yeard old PC, "Totchieka". Why?

None of your business, really.

Our comptech still has my Adobe and Macromedia Installer CD. I need my Photoshop and my InDesign! And I need the other half of my hard drive! I can't live on 40GB only! I just can't!

Poor Totchieka's a bit wheezy from the reformatting.

So, there will be no artworks for me in the next, oh... *thinks* 3 weeks or so.

I'm sticking to those lame-assed icons, wallpapers, colorbars, and sigs for my LJ-communities.

This sucks. Big time.



.::. Sept. 13, 2005 .::.

The world is my stage and life is my script.

I try to deliver everytime.



.::. Sept. 11, 2005 .::.

Fixed some errors on my website. It's *relatively* new. I've had the account for four years and I haven't done anything with it. Well, actually I did. It was originally a yaoi-fanfiction archive but due to technical problems, I decided to move it.

The layout on this one was originally made for my Tabulas account. However, things didn't go the way I thought they would and the layout ended up in my Angelfire account. Since I have a new layout and an account, I decided to do something about it. After almost 7 years of not making a personal webpage... I suddenly have one. It's not actually by choice... but hey, who am I to argue with destiny?

I'm not a web designer so I'm not expecting any ooh's and aah's from people. I do what I can with the little knowledge that I have and the 'Ad-filled' account that Angelfire is able to provide.

Flames are okay... but I'll just laugh at them.

Visit my site: Burning

And I need to do something about that long-ass name.



.::. Sept. 9, 2005 .::.

My pc's all screwed up. I think my worst fear has been realized--I think my hard drive needs to be reformatted. Again.

So much for all my artworks. Hours of hard work down the drain.

And my mouse is haunted. The pointer skims the window on its own.

I guess I won't be doing artworks for a while.

Busy with life. Busy with sleeping. Busy with boredom.



.::. Aug. 6, 2005 .::.

//Life will be sweet
So green
And so young.//

Beautiful lines, aren't they? They're from the song entitled "Mottaka". And yes, that's where my username came from, more so of the song's aptness than my love for the band.

I'm a frustrated-multi media-freak. How you would define that, I don't know.

Posted my 2nd CG work (Solitude) for this quarter. I'm not fully satisfied with it... but somehow, I overlooked a lot of crappy details when I uploaded it yesterday morning.

Things that I find hard to draw/make? Hair, eyes, nose, lips. Basically everything that makes the whole face... a face. My vein's about to pop again... I hate it when I upload a crappy work. Then again, I hate redoing them as much as I hate looking at them 24 hours after doing the finishing touches.

I am not an artist. I'm just a girl who knows how to use Photoshop and owns an abused mouse.

//Hemp will be ruling my brothers again
If you got the ganja then pass it my friend.//

Yeah. I need one of those to clear my head.

And a freakin' Wacom Tablet.